Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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