He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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