I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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