Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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