Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
