Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
