I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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