Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
