After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
