I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
