He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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