You can't motorboat a personality
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
