Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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