How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
