i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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