Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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