I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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