At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
