Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
