I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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