i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
