i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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