tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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