I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
