I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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