The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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