He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
