It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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