mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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