she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
