I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
