Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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