I'm so fucking centered right now
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
