I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
