There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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