Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
