I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the condom got lost in my hair
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
