she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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