3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
