You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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