fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
