If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
