He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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