4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no. you can't hotbox the world.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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