I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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