im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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