You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
