I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
