my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
