i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
